I had about 4-5 bad days recently. My ex is having his new girlfriend move in, and although I don’t want him, it still hurts. Not to mention, we still have unresolved issues going into our (hopefully) final divorce hearing next month. Yesterday I was on the phone with my best friend telling her that I’ve been trying so hard to get in a better place but I feel like I never will… I stay busy, I work out daily and eat well, I have cut down on wine during the week, I journal, I blog, I track my finances… still feeling in the same spot though- still feeling as heartbroken as I was this time last year in the midst of trying to keep a family together that was suffered from the realities of infidelity.
Then something happened. In the middle of my workout yesterday I felt so much pain in my heart. When I got home, it didn’t feel much better. Kate told me to have a glass of wine, but even that didn’t appeal to me. So I went though the motions, held my boys tight, and went to bed. I woke up incredibly late and disheveled. As I was leaving for work I realized that I haven’t been hiding from my pain… I’ve been feeling it. That’s why I did this- the blog, the journal, all of it- I did all of this in order to find acceptance and I’ve been finally feeling the feel-feels. It’s gonna hurt for a while and I feel like I’ve finally accepted that. As a result, I feel better today. And not better in an “up way” or a manic way- in a very even keeled way. When you mask the pain and try to escape it- it catches up to you. When you face it, it begins to fade. A little mile stone.
On the way to work I heard the song, “Shout Out to My Ex” and it was such a perfect tune for the morning. Check it out.