I had a wonderful 34th birthday and woke up with my baby boy around 5:30 am today. He is so adorable and this time is so fleeting that I don’t even care that I could barely move… That being said, it was still struggle city getting to the Y on time for a short back/shoulder session and then Deacon’s tumble class.
When we got there, we ran into his daddy! I have barely seen or talked to my ex over the last few months. The divorce proceedings were ridiculously painful and brought out the worst in both of us. When I saw him this morning, he took our baby out of his stroller and carried him to the daycare for me. We walked together but didn’t talk much and I corrected the girl when she wrote my name with my married name, since I’ve changed it back. When we dropped the baby off, he started to walk away but I mentioned the two emails that I wrote about child support, which he didn’t respond to… He said he didn’t have anything to say because he doesn’t have any money and work isn’t going well. We chatted for a couple minutes and he helped me to understand his work situation which hasn’t changed much since we were together. In a very positive way, I asked that he please communicate these things with me because it helps me to understand everything and not be angry about the financial situation between us. We then both walked back into the fitness center and got to work on our own. Since he was close to me, I asked him something about our 3-year-old’s school and we chatted a few more minutes about other cute things about our boys.
He said “bye” when he left and I continued with my work out. During a quick break to write down what I was working on, I stopped and thought to myself, “nothing has changed with that man, and I am so grateful that I am no longer in that relationship, but the captain of my own journey now.” I proceeded to reflect on some things about my marriage that didn’t serve me, and where my ex is now with another woman and child in his house. I almost can’t even describe the feeling I had- but those were some of the thoughts going through my head. To be completely honest, I am really proud of who I am and what I have made of myself and I’m so happy to not be offering that to him anymore. I know- really know, now- that there is something big out there for me and not too far away. Still a little far- but I’m feeling it in a way I haven’t before.
The craziest part of this moment of reflection for me was the song that came on “Beyonce Radio” at the very same moment. “The Best Thing I Never Had” summarizes my experience with this man. In some ways, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. We fell in love, got married, had two beautiful kids, and then my life began. My new life is so real- so vibrant- and so full – I know I would have none of this if I didn’t have what I had with him- good and bad. The lyrics in this song literally brought me to tears. I still cry over the loss of my old life and what I thought was going to me THE life for me…but today, they were really tears of joy. Bey says, “Thank God you blew it, thank God I dodged the bullet, I’m so over you baby. good lookin’ out.” This is exactly how I feel. I’m no longer even mad at him. I get lonely and wish I had a partner, but it was never, ever meant to be him. I was so happy because this song was speaking to me so strongly and I headed down to get my beautiful baby and take him to the tumble class. I am so unbelievably lucky I had this experience.
The craziest part of it all was that tonight I dropped off my kids to his girlfriend and met her for the first time. No matter what I’ve said to her in weak moments (which I have apologized for in depth) I have to admit to the world- she is adorable and perfect for him. I was never meant to be that man’s life partner.
Today, I felt that momentous change that can happen so fast- and you’re never the same again. I hope everyone in this world gets that privilege.