About Me (Mommy Mels)

Off-Balance

When I talk to my friends about where I am in life, in terms of recovering from my divorce and being ready for something serious, my response is that I am still off-balance.  There is something that feels off still.  I don’t feel like I am ready for anything serious yet, but also, nothing in that category has come along.

Perhaps my heart was waiting for what it always knew…that my husband was always a cheater.  Recently, I had an a-ha moment.  By accident, my phone brought up a number that I had saved.  It was the number of a girl that used to work for my ex.  I had it in my phone because I used to help him with some administrative stuff with his job.  He fired the girl “because she went crazy and was telling crazy lies, like she wanted to tell you (me, his wife) that we slept together.” He even showed me the texts.  He said, “look at this lunatic and her lies!” She quit/got fired/whatever.  Never heard from her again.  I totally believe him.

Holy crap.  This asshole 100% slept with her.  This happened around Thanksgiving when we had an almost-1 year old and when, I believed, we were very happy.  Originally when we were breaking up and he had an affair, I always believed that it was because he became so unhappy.  That wasn’t the case.  He always cheated.

I will be honest, I tried reaching out to the girl.  I wanted some kind of corroboration to this story that left my heart hurting.  She has 4 different Facebook accounts.

This morning I came across this meme and boy does it hit home.

My ex recently had another baby with his current girlfriend.  Friends have wanted to know how I feel about that.  Indifferent about the baby and relationship, very sorry for the girlfriend.  I really feel like she is his next victim but she won’t have the cushion to land on that I did.  He’s winding himself up in another spiral of debt and over-committing to financial obligations that I know he can’t fulfill.

In no way to I miss my ex.  Being with him would be a total living nightmare.  I don’t even miss the “family dynamic” I thought I had anymore.  I am so happy with my little boys.  My soul, 2 years and some months later, is just still off – balance a little.  I have a very cynical view on men.  Many man I’ve gone on dates with have in fact cheated on their wives too.  Do they all cheat?  I have friends, married friends, who insist they do.  Who knows.  When I stop caring I’ll know that I am more balanced.  In the meantime, it’s momming and fun with friends and family.  I am feeling very positive about this summer as well!  How could I not?  I’m off for 9 weeks.

It takes a really long time to get through a divorce.  It’s not easy.

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