Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Custody Agreement- What I Wish I Had Known Then

It took me a moment to decide how I wanted to write this, as I try to offer what I think people may both want to read and need information about…

I am in a pickle with my ex-husband.  Nothing new, but this Thursday will be the first time we’ve actually gone to court since our divorce.  In short, I have a very vague (shitty) custody agreement.  In my agreement, it says that each parent may take the children on vacation for a week with two months notice given to the other parent.  During the school year, it says that the other parent must agree.  That is pretty much it when it comes to vacation guidelines in my agreement.  It has no previsions to protect my children from their father who drinks excessively, especially on vacation.  It also has no previsions to protect my children from a parent who isn’t too serious about car seats and life jackets.  As a result, I am now going to court with him because I will not agree to this vacation during the school year or at all, for that matter. Not at such a young age, as it is also a 17 hour plane ride for a 4 day vacation for my small children.  There are also four children on this trip and only two adults.  This doesn’t make sense to any responsible, rational person I’ve spoken to.  I didn’t have children with a responsible, rational person.  I had children with a Narcissist.  This trip is not about my children, it is all about my ex-husband.  All of the information he has shared and all the communication we have had on the topic has been completely centered around him.  This is evident in his wording and his absolute refusal to meet with me to discuss the logistics of the trip. I have many safety concerns and in addition I do not trust someone to take my children around the world who will not even meet with me to discuss their well-being.  He is a true Narcissist.  Alas, we knew that, and a judge will decide on the trip.

That being said, had I known how imperative our custody agreement was – the wording of it – I wouldn’t be in this situation.  We made this agreement when I was not even thinking clearly three years ago.  It is so important because if there is ever a conflict between parents, a judge will look at the exact wording of the agreement and most likely determine the outcome that way. That makes sense to most – but it is almost impossible to predict all of the possible situations that may arise when two people get divorced and no longer are raising children “together.”

My next step is to request a modification in our custody agreement so this situation never happens again.  It is my job to protect my children and this is part of it.  There are many issues and specifics that need to be covered in a custody agreement.  Some of the topics that need to be covered are the process in determining schools for my children.  Right now they go to a private school that I pay for and that we are very happy with.  My ex hasn’t fought me on this decision, but he also has not made the decision with me and alleges that I made it alone.  I have documentation of my requesting he help make the decision, requesting he see schools, requesting he help research, and he just couldn’t be bothered.  If anything ever comes up regarding their school, I need to make sure this decision is solid.

Sports are another topic not mentioned in our agreement.  Our oldest is in sports now and my ex had him in a winter sport near him- keep in mind, he moved 35 minutes away from us last spring. Now our oldest is in a different sport at a league close to our home.  He alleges I didn’t “run this by him” which again, I have documentation that I did.  Narcissists live in their own lies.  Their truth is whatever works for them and comes out of their mouth.  If I showed him my documentation, he would simply say he didn’t remember saying it… I know this because I can predict his behavior based on his past behavior.  He is a Narcissist.

I never even pressed the issue of his moving away from us because I didn’t want to negatively affect the children.  Since he moved away and out of state, I could insist that he meet us for exchange.  Right now, I drop off at night, he drops off in the morning.  I think that is in the best interest of our children as they are dropped off at our homes, not in a parking lot somewhere.   I will always make decisions based on the best interest of my children.

As of now, I have some work to do and so does my attorney.  I will keep this post up to date in case I know anyone else who may have a similar issue.  I am very interested to learn other topics and suggestions that I may need to address while I seek this modification.

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