Ok so while I don’t write at work, I’m doing hall duty and it’s far too distracting to get anything worthwhile done. Our kids are awesome- don’t get me wrong. Our systems have narrowed it down to just a few that don’t follow policies but I’m blessed to have fans who stop and chat with me on their way to the bathroom while I’m out here.
This past Thanksgiving marked three years since my ex “Ninja Vanished” on us. I could not be at a better place. I am blessed to spend the majority of my time with my children and I feel like I have mastered the art of making the most of my time while they are with their dad. I’ve realized that the best way to spend my time is in self-care. Many times that means I’ll fill my night up with the gym, maybe some sushi take-out, and cleaning or organizing my house. Maybe one night a week I’ll go out to dinner with work friends. I also go to bed early and catch up on uninterrupted sleep. It’s not always easy- especially because as I write this- tonight is a Monday and they are headed to dad’s tonight… I’ll miss them, and never a day goes by where my heart doesn’t ache without them. But, alas, it is what it is. I’m doing the best I can.
I can say, that as long as I am with my children, I am as happy as I could be. I have short, short moments when a friend in a happy marriage gets to do something incredible with her husband and I think- How did I screw that up so badly? But- they’re short. I had some entertaining insight this weekend when my ex accidentally sent me a long list of screenshots taken of our conversations…including his call log…to show his girlfriend all of our correspondence. Whoopsie on his end! I had to call him out- my mom yelled at me for even responding- but it was an impulse thing. I just said “wow” and “why doesn’t she realize I’m the LAST person on Earth she would need to worry about?” and “It’s sad, and why would she want to isolate herself from me?” That about covers my reaction. And it was exactly that. A reaction.
I had to reel myself in and remind myself that I am not dealing with sane people. My ex-husband has a personality disorder and as my mom reminded me, his girlfriend takes her clothes off for money- clearly not a stable person. She is very threatened by me- a concept I understand but nonetheless cannot wrap my head around. Immediately after my reaction, it was turned to “my fault.” “Because of things I’ve said in the past” she needs to know all that is said between us. I can’t even remember what I could have said- but the point is, that is a typical response from a Narcissist. It has nothing to do with me, but he must deflect his shortcomings onto me. That is how he functions. In addition, I found out that he has me in his phone as “Lucifer” with the middle-finger emoji next to it. Again, his shortcomings, not mine. It is sad that I have to share my children with someone who has such blatant disrespect, but this is the cross I have to bear. I wouldn’t trade my children for anything in the world and I have an incredible support system to remind me of all of my blessings when I’m faced with any abuse from their father. It’s up to me to react to him. Reacting to him is acknowledging the abuse. I need to remember that next time. Sorry mom, you were right. As always.
As we go into the holidays, it’s amazing to reflect on where I’ve been and where I am now. I have no pain in my heart like I have in previous years. I have only joy when I’m with my children and family. I do not feel like there is anything “missing” from our family, despite my being a single- parent.
On a side note- This past weekend my mom brought some wrapping paper to my house and it was exactly the roll from Walmart that I was going to get…until I saw a better deal with four rolls for the same price. It took some searching, but I’ve realized that she and I are about the same person. I can’t think of someone else I’d rather emulate.